Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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