I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
