Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
