Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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