I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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