he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Is it because I queefed?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
