i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
