I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
