she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
