I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
