I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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