His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
