Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
