just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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