And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We got so high we made milksteak
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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