When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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