I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my shit smells like andre
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
