I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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