dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
