I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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