go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Jerry, you need to find god
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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