i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
