Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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