Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
