if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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