Will you blow on my dice?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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