Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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