oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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