After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
