Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
