In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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