we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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