No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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