I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
