we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
