That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
