There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
