Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
