Someone shit on the floor
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
