masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
