omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
