I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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