I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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