he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize