After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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