The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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