Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
honey bunches of taint.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
