Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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