the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
did i just pee glitter
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
