im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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